I was feeling a bit rubbish this week, for a number of reasons. Mainly I can’t stop thinking about all the failures I’ve had in life. It is frustrating because I’m continually remembering the young girl who was so keen to get started on this amazing career path, that was not known at the time. It is not certain why, because my family never really focused on this with me. Maybe it is a consequence of my mother who got her degree and was a teacher at school. This was all whilst she was a single parent having to look after a very stubborn and tantrum-making child. I believe perhaps this is something that has motivated me. Yet she always told me to work hard and take any job I could as it was about ‘just getting on with it’. But I always had big ideas for myself. More recently she told me she had always wanted to be a teacher but her father said she should go to university, she got into a good one at Bristol University but she couldn’t cope as sadly her dad passed away. Yet at age of 27, she did what she always wanted to do and go into teacher training and become a teacher and she was bloody good at it, despite this little girl she had to take care of. As a child, I got to see someone at work that loved what they did, I used to go into school when she had to arrange an afterschool event and I used to puff out my chest, walked around feeling so proud. I’ve only just realized that this week.
The problem is my own life plan dreams don’t relate to my reality. Even though school was the best place I could be at the time, I loved to be there and especially the library. I was always trying to advance my knowledge although it is only now I understand know there was a skill to learning. As such I would read books way above my age, seek out what university I could go to and careers or places to travel right from the age of 10. I remember always being excited about the next step. I was happy in the knowledge I was making my own money at the age of 15 in a part-time job, which now I realize I probably wasn’t that good at, but I had a lovely boss. There is part of me that wants to strive and is motivated but yet it doesn’t show its self in reality. I lose speed and power in my conviction, I get disillusioned with the work I have to do. I start to feel ridiculous, and stupid – I have this constant fear that people just don’t think I’m good enough and that I’m doing a bad job – well I mean its not unfounded the number of times I had to go into meetings to discuss why I wasn’t meeting my targets, is surely going to make anyone feel like a worthless bit of machinery.
The point is what is in me doesn’t compute with the outside world. I don’t know anymore if what I think is a delusion that I have grandiose beliefs about my knowledge and abilities. It is even with university my fear of going to a 2.2 is palpable, I feel like every essay I’m writing is a dud and I just don’t know anything enough. There are all these people out there bright and able, doing great things and not constantly getting bad feedback or being told things like ‘you don’t express yourself well’. One of my essays is probably not going to be marked because I handed it in 9 minutes late. It made me so depressed to have made this mistake. The learning support I had given up on because everyone I tried to get was going on holidays and they never really helped with the fundamental reasons as to why I couldn’t get where I wanted to be. But I had high hopes for myself this year. I even compare myself to others with dyslexia who have such great ideas but struggle to get them out but usually, people can see it. In me, I don’t have that backup – At university, I struggle to think creatively at all, so there’s nothing anyone can pick up, other than the inability to express an argument.
This means I am losing conviction in my self, the way my self is falling apart based on what I think I am and what I show to the world. This happened when I was younger but based on my personality, we are so fragile.
As such I’m worried about the end of university next year. Being disillusioned again in another job. Not being good enough or getting bored or constantly be quietened down by others. The thing is its not failure that bothers me but that my life is nothing without work – without giving something back. I know that this has been something I have dreamed of all my life…
A Reason to believe…
.. Yesterday I was out getting my nails done to elevate this looming dark depression and feelings of loneliness. I had been to this nail place before, it was a set of shops under some aches in Shoreditch and I saw a new place had popped up. It was a modern tiny shop front with two pods and it was therapy for busy people who could request someone to talk to by booking spots on the app. After I had my nails done I walked past and the door was open, I saw that in one of the pods and there was a man inside. My new brave confident self immediately went in and asked about the business, how I can get supervision, how they got clients – afterwards the man said ‘by the way what is your name’, and went to shake my hand – I told him, he then replied his name was Chance. I may have misheard but it felt like something that could only happen in a novel or a film.
That was a little freaky – I have a belief in the spiritual but even that’s under scrutiny now. I feel what is in my mind may not be true, but it made me think to give it a chance – I mean that’s what I tell everyone, don’t knock it till you have tried it. Afterwards, when arrived back house which is next door to university there was a massive rainbow it went from my street and ended in the university grounds when I got closer it was a double rainbow. If nothing else my belief the spirit keeps me focused and alive, even if it is not true and it is my overactive imagination – we all need something to get through the day.
So I’ve just got to keep going because I still have this burning desire to help others, to reignite their fires in order for us live in a passionate and vivid world full of people living up to their potential. Maybe it is just about knowing how to get there and to stop relying on authorization from others or validation of the self. I want to be part of society and I want to make a difference but I think to myself ‘will I just be another broken cog in the wheel?’.. I guess I’m the only one that can decide that.
Wish me luck!